Reflection

I was flipping through the channels the other day and watched part of A Baby Story. I got teary eyed as they handed the baby to the mother and she got to hold him for a while in the happy delivery room with her husband there too. I don't think I can watch that anymore!

We never had that experience.  I delivered in the OR, not the delivery room with friends and family waiting to hold and see him. It was me, my husband and the doctors and nurses. Very good doctors and nurses, but nonetheless. It was no where near the birth experience we were expecting. I had a damn chest tube in my side. I couldn't breathe.. and it hurt, like hell. He may have only been 3 pounds 6 ounces but it hurt! And I didn't get to hold him right away because I was very sick. At least they had the decency to wheel me on the bed to the NICU to see him through the thick glass. But I had to get to my room on the 2nd floor. Next to ICU.

I got robbed of a real pregnancy.  Will I be able to get pregnant again and better yet, if I do get pregnant will I carry to term? We can't even try again until next year and not that we want to yet anyways. But I already miss being pregnant just 6 months later. I miss the kicking and the amazing feeling. I had the perfect pregnancy. NO morning sickness, NO major issues and I got to keep running and exercising. It was all perfect. Until 30 weeks.

After all we went through, I am very surprised I never had any kind of PTSD or PPD. I guess I just kept pushing through no matter what. I was given anti-depressants from Dr. Kreske that I took for a while but I'm not even sure if they worked. I couldn't tell the difference. All I know was I was at an all-time low after my 4th time back in the hopsital. Thats when I had the drainage tube put in.. at least that stay was only 5 days not 6 or 7. 

As a reminder here is a LONG recap of what happened in August. Sequence starts from the bottom and goes up.. http://thehardenblog.blogspot.com/2012_08_01_archive.html

I just read it and had some really bad flashbacks..