Devastated.

Welp. IUI is out. Fertility meds are out. At least with THIS RE.  I had a follow up with Dr. Ayers on the 29th of April. At which point I thought he would want to do an ultrasound because he saw the fluid in my uterus last ultrasound. Nope. No follow up u/s

He truly believes that we will either conceive naturally, or we need in-vitro. Due to my history I have a number of adhesions and he thinks this is contributing to why I can't get pregnant.

I am leaning towards the fact that it probably won't happen without IVF. Mainly due to the adhesions and/or scar tissue and maybe endometriosis.

I was crying in his office, partly because I thought for sure there was something else that could be done about this. Partly because maybe I just didn't want to face the reality that is we can't get pregnant again without IVF. He really couldn't care less I don't think. Maybe he was just trying to be professional but I think he was sort of an ass. He did get me a box of Kleenex. Thanks, Dr!

This sucks. Lately I have been really sad when I see Joshua playing by himself and he so badly seems to want someone to play with! I love him to death. Obviously. I'm incredibly grateful for him and he is our miracle. I just thought maybe it would be a little easier to get pregnant again for a little brother or sister. That is proving not to be the case.

Obviously it could be so much worse than this. I don't need to be told that. I don't need to be compared to anyone else. "at least you don't have "this" happening" or "at least you haven't had a miscarriage". etc etc. The list could go on of things that could be so much worse.

I wanted one friend in particular to be told this because she tried to minimize our issue by saying these things. Oh how easy it is for you to say such things after only trying a few months for each child. I know she had a m/c and this hurts too. But comparing gets us nowhere. One situation shouldn't be compared to another. Every journey is different. It's not fair to compare apples to oranges! All I want is someone to vent to sometimes. That's all I wanted that time too. I have been secretly angry with that conversation but its a tough subject, because of the idea of loss. I hate miscarriages for anyone. Of course I won't want to be in that situation and my heart breaks for anyone who has to deal with them. But this is just something on a different scale.

But to read (and be aware of) time and time again about how various friends are expecting their second/third/fourth child. How hurtful is that... to know that we haven't been able to. After 14 months of trying, 16 perfectly timed cycles. Although not the longest of anyone I have known to be trying, it's definitely getting annoying.

As for what we are going to do? I don't know. I have severe allergies this cycle and can't take them anymore. My coughing is enough to make me want to go batshit crazy.  I'm coming up to my fertile period right NOW. And all I want to do is hide in a hole because of my coughing and allergies, not have sex. I am completely MISERABLE. But my OPK was almost + this afternoon which means it might be + tonight or tomorrow!

Bottom line, IVF might be our ultimate resolution. I just need to get the hubby on board. I feel like that may take a while.